Distance Disturbs Me
by xEmeraldSnakex
Summary: Snarry; Song fic - Harry is not the same anymore since Severus Snape has died. Will he get better or despair while trying? Warnings: strong language; suicide attempt


**Hello, this is my first Harry Potter fanfic yaaay and a song fic btw. The song is 'Distance Disturbs Me' by Set it Off (I had to delete the lyrics but they are awesome, I included which part of the song I intended to put in)  
**

 **Please review and tell me what you think! Also, this is only the second fanfic I ever published and I'm not a native English speaker so keep that in mind, kay? ^.^**

 **Warnings: strong language; suicide attempt (if that triggers you, please don't read the story)**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the story, if you recognize anything then I don't lay claim on it.**

 **Summary: Song fic - Harry is not the same anymore since Severus Snape has died. Will he get better or despair while trying?  
**

* * *

Harry woke up with a groan. His head pounded and he felt nauseated. Trying not to disturb his head anymore he slowly pushed himself up and looked around. _Must've passed out again. And on the kitchen floor no less._

The morning sun shone through a little gap between the curtains. It was a lovely day but the sun had long lost its appeal, it wasn't for him anymore. Not since that day.

He slowly made his way to his potions cabinet and browsed the many vials until he found the right one. He downed the light blue liquid, instantly the room stopped spinning and he gave a relieved sigh. His eyes scanned the room and fell on a half full whisky bottle. Before he could reach it however, there was a loud knock on the front door.

'Sod off!'

'Harry, it's Ginny. Let me in, please. I'm worried about you. We're all worried about you!'  
'Go away, Ginny!'

'Please let me at least see your face, I haven't seen you in a month!'

Reluctantly he trotted to the door and opened it slowly but only enough to peek outside at a very distressed Ginny. 'Here is my face, now leave me alone.' He tried to close the door shut but had it slammed in his face.

He was disoriented for a moment but gathered himself quickly only to see the red head walking into his sitting room/kitchen/dining room.

She dropped a pile of letters and parcels on the dining table. 'Here is your mail. Gosh, Harry, it stinks in here and it's dark.' She said while drawing the curtains back and opening the windows. A look of disgust flickered across her face before it turned into a worried frown. ' Do you eat?' She opened the fridge only to see it empty except for a few beer cans. 'What is this? There's nothing in here! And do you call this a sofa?' She said after crossing the room and standing infront of the fireplace. 'This is disgusting. Seriously, how do you live here? There's dust everywhere!'

Harry rubbed his temples. _Could she get anymore annoying?_

'I'll help you clean up and then we're going shopping.'

'Get out, Ginny! You saw my face, now leave. How many times do I have to repeat myself so you fucking get it! I have no intention to leave this place and I also don't want you to stick your nose into matters that don't bloody concern you! How I live my life is still my own fucking choice and you're pissing me off! We will never get back together, do you hear me? Never! Now fuck off before I hex you out of here!' He saw the hurt look on her face but he didn't care and led her out of the door before slamming it shut.

'Fuck!'

He dragged himself to the table and summoned a glass before pouring himself a generous amount of firewhisky. After two sips his attention was drawn to the pile of mail. A whole month worth of it he hadn't dared to open. It was probably the same as always, thanks for his 'heroic victory', hate mail for not saving enough people and now probably also some letters from who knows who asking about his whereabouts and health – though he doubted there were many of the latter. He flipped through the envelopes and dismissed them all until he found one from the Ministry. On the front was a red stamp mark reading 'IMPORTANT'.

He wondered what it could be while opening it cautiously.

' _Mr. Harry James Potter,_

 _we hereby inform you that you earned the Order of Merlin 1_ _st_ _class for your glorious defeat of the darkest threat our world ever had. Thanks to your accomplishments every witch and wizard in Great Britain can once again live a life free of danger._

 _You can come to the ministry whenever you find the time and the Order of Merlin will be handed to you since you missed the official presentation of the Order on May 5, 1998._

 _Additionally you will be handed the Order of Merlin 1_ _st_ _class intended for Master Severus Tobias Snape as his whereabouts are currently unknown._

 _Kingsley Shacklebolt, Minister of Magic._ '

'He's dead! He's dead! He's fucking dead!' Harry threw the letter across the room before sobbing violently and collapsing on the floor. His mind was once again occupied by thoughts about his former potions professor. Oh, how he dreaded those thoughts.

Billowing black robes, a smug smirk, long elegant fingers, deep rich voice and dark onyx eyes that haunted his every waking moment. Every sarcastic comment he could remember swirled around in his head, he remembered vividly how his name sounded coming from those thin lips.. ' _Potter_ '. Then blood, so much blood. ' _Look at me_.' A single tear running down the pale cheek, dark pools fixing him for the last time.

His heart ached like it had on the first day, he wanted to rip it out and stab it until it stopped beating just to see the man again and stop his pain.

He remembered Hermione rapping on his door frantically saying he was on suicide watch. That was the last time he dared letting anyone inside his house. She had cried and apologized, she had said she was sorry for breaking his trust, said she was too worried to leave him without taking precautions. He had sat and listened and thrown her out. How dare she deny him his chance of freedom, of silence, of going back to _him_.

 _(Verse 1)  
_

They said it would get better, he would stop hurting if he would give it time but he knew better. He knew it wouldn't stop, it would never stop and he would wish every day to succeed in what Voldemort failed.

He cursed his lungs for breathing, his heart for beating, his mind for torturing him and most of all he cursed himself for letting his love die in his arms.

After all he'd been through, after being beat and abused by his relatives, being used as a weapon by an old senile wizard, having lost so many friends, he had thought that maybe, just maybe, fate would grant him a life. A life without misery. But he was wrong, he would always be miserable and it would never stop.

 _(Verse 1 + Pre-Chorus)  
_

Would he have been kissed by a Dementor he would not hear that ear shattering scream, the scream of his mother, the woman Severus had loved, the moment his farce called life had begun. No, this time he would hear the last breath, the last words of the man who saved his life so many times, who had risked his own life so many times for the son of his beloved – _I love you_. He knew those words were meant for his mother but he couldn't seem to care, he loved and hated the way those three small words had sounded coming from the man's lips.

Harry felt deep guilt, not only because this strong, powerful and intelligent man had died for him but mostly because he couldn't live the life the man had protected. He couldn't live a life without him, without purpose.

 _(Chorus)_

Would he have been able to let go of all the pain and death the war had brought upon the one place he had called home? Would he have been able to live a life had he not met the one man that had made his heart flutter, his chest tighten and his existence a little more endurable?

Harry regretted many things. He regretted not being the nephew his relatives would gladly have cared for, he regretted not being a good enough friend, he regretted not having saved enough lives, he regretted being not good enough a weapon, he regretted having made the life of the man he owed his life to a living hell by being born into this world but most of all he regretted ever falling in love.

 _(Verse 2)  
_

His friends had told him he had changed but that was an understatement. He had not changed, he had lost himself in self pity, self loathing and self harm. They said he needed help but he knew he was beyond repair. Alcohol only helped to shut his brain off, to shut the world out and let him feel numb because numbness was better than feeling the constant pain he was in.

After his first suicide attempt he had found himself in St. Mungo's. Suicide watch was real, he had learned at that moment. People had told him he just drank too much and he could go home because it was an accident, right? He knew better though than correcting them.

Now he knew it was in vain, he could try all he wanted, he would always end up in this white prison. And after the second attempt, he was sure, they would get suspicious. They said he should get a shrink to help him with his drinking problems but they didn't know it was the only thing to keep him sane, to create a fake sense of tranquility.

 _(Pre-Chorus)_

'Harry! Harry! Open the door or I swear I will blow it up!'

'What now?' He opened the door and saw Bill Weasley standing on the threshold with a big grin plastered on his face.

'Harry you will not believe this!' He said, pushing Harry out of the way to enter the house. _Can't people at least ask before coming in?_

'If I believe it or not depends entirely on what it is.'

Bill sat down on a chair after wiping it with his sleeve. 'Do you want to offer me tea or..?'

'Sorry to disappoint but I don't have tea. I have tab water and whisky.'

'Then whisky, please.' Harry set a glass infront of him with a loud thud and pointed at the half full and empty bottles on the table after taking his own glass, downing the contents and filling it once more. Bill only looked at him questioningly but didn't comment.

'What are you here for?'

'You know I work at Gringotts, yes? I am responsible for sorting the vaults and sending letters to costumers. Goblins aren't interested in that sort of stuff, they usually just count the fortunes, make deals or...'

Harry interrupted him 'I don't have all day, some people have better things to do than chatting about jobs, believe it or not.'

'Yeah, I see that...' he said taking in the sight of the clearly abandoned room but once again didn't comment. 'See, Gringotts works pretty automatically. When a wizard or witch dies, everything that's in the vaults get transcribed to the next heir or, should there be no heir, to Gringotts. Now, as I took stock I found that there's a vault that still exists even though it shouldn't – The Prince Family Vault. I checked the owner's name and guess who it is.'

Harry stared at him, completely frozen in shock, for several minutes. Then he whispered 'Severus...'

'Exactly! You know what that means, right? Snape is alive! You told me they didn't find his body so it could be true. It is true, in fact. Gringotts never make mistakes.'

With that, Harry grabbed Bill by the shoulders and shook him. 'He. Is. Dead! Do you hear me? He is bloody dead! I saw him die in my fucking arms! He died and I saw it and I couldn't do anything! Don't tell me he is alive when I saw it!' Tears were now streaming down his face and his breathing was ragged. He let go of Bill and slumped on his chair, sobbing and crying and swearing.

'Harry...'

'No! Leave me alone! I can't take this shit anymore, I'm done! I'm done with everything, I have lost him! He died because of me, because of my mistakes!' He screamed at him.

Bill sighed, he knew better than to argue with Harry and he didn't want to upset him any further. 'Okay I'll leave you alone but I will search for him and I will find him and then I'll come back.'

He didn't get an answer and, with one last sad look at Harry, walked out of the house.

 **-At The Burrow-**

'Bill, darling! I didn't expect you to visit. Come in, come in.' Mrs. Weasley said ushering her son in and giving him a warm hug. 'What brought you here?'

'Hi mum. I need to talk to Ron and Hermione.'

'Sure, I think they're upstairs in Ron's room. Knock before you enter.' She winked. Bill inclined his head and made his way to the room. Halfway up the stairs Mrs. Weasley shouted 'Will you stay here for dinner?'

'No, mum, I'll go home to Fleur!' He shouted back.

'Alright, honey!'

As he reached the door he knocked curtly and waited for an answer.  
'Come in!' a voice shouted from the other side. He walked into the room, finding Ron and Hermione sat on the bed in the middle of the room blushing. He conjured a chair and sat down, a stern look on his face.

'Bill? What are you doing here?' Ron asked, confused.

'I need your help. It's Harry.'

'Harry? Did you meet him? How is he?' Hermione's blush had subsided and she instead paled at the mention of her friend.

'I did meet him. He's only a shell of what he was. I think he drinks and he can't seem to cope with anything right now.' He was extremely worried for the boy who had become his little brother over the years. Never had he seem him anything like this before. The strong, stubborn, determined Harry had gone and that frightened him.

'We know that already... We tried to help him but he shut us out. Snape's death affected him heavily.' said Hermione.

'What happened? Why Snape?' Bill asked, interested why the death of a teacher mattered so much.

'When we looked for Harry that day we found him in the Shrieking Shack cradling Snape's body. That was the first time I ever saw him cry, he didn't even cry when Sirius died. There was blood everywhere, it was horrible. I heard him whisper 'I love you' and 'don't leave me' over and over again. He wouldn't stop or let go. I think that's what finally broke him.' There was a pregnant silence after Hermione's words. She was crying by now and Ron tried to soothe her.

Finally Bill spoke. 'I think he's alive.'

'What do you mean? Who is alive?' Ron asked wide eyed.

'Snape. His vault is still under his name. You know how Gringotts works.'

'That's impossible. There must be a mistake! He was dead, he didn't move and the blood...' Hermione had stopped sobbing by now, though her tears still flowed.

'Gringotts doesn't make mistakes and you know it. We have to find him before it's too late.'

'Too late?'

'Harry is broken. He said he was done with everything. What if he hurts himself? What if...' He couldn't say it.

'He's under suicide watch. Nothing can happen to him. Right, 'Mione?' Ron said desperately.

'I don't know.' She muttered.

'See? We have to do something, we have to find him and bring him back.'

Suddenly determination flashed in Hermione's eyes. She wouldn't lose her friend, not now, not ever. Not after they escaped death so often, not before she had done everything in her power to prevent it. 'What do you suggest?'

'We should first gather information, see if anybody knows where he lived. It is quite probable he's at his home. We could ask his colleagues and the remaining members of the Order of the Phoenix.'

'Sounds like a plan.' concluded Ron.

'Good. You'll ask the Hogwarts staff and I ask the Order.' Bill said before rushing down the stairs and leaving the other two to their task.

'Mum? Is dad here?' He asked.

'Why, yes. He's in the sitting room. Why...' But he didn't hear the rest. He ran into the sitting room. Spotting his father on the couch, he sat beside him.

'Hi dad.'  
Mr. Weasley's eyes widened in surprise at the sudden appearance of his son. 'Bill, how are you? How is Fleur?'

'We're fine. Listen, do you know anything about Severus Snape? Where he lived or something?'

'No, son. He never spoke about himself, him being a spy and all. Why do you ask?' Bill's shoulders sagged in disappointment. His father had been a member of the Order for a long time and he had hoped that he knew at least something about the potions master since he was always well informed about the other members.

'Doesn't matter. Thanks dad. Fleur and I will come by next Friday. See you then.' With that he was gone.

 **-Hogwarts-**

Ron and Hermione immediately apparated to Hogwarts' gates. The anti apparition wards around the Burrow that had been destroyed during the war had not been restored yet. Mrs. Weasley did not find it necessary since the threats that had made them warier and scared for their lives were now gone.

They ran across the grounds and into the castle, heading straight for the headmaster's office. Heaving and sweating they finally arrived at the door and stormed in. Minerva McGonagall sat behind her desk and whipped her head up as the door flew open.

'Ms. Granger, Mr. Weasley, to what do I owe the pleasure?' She asked, ignoring the fact that they hadn't knocked.

'We need your help.' The two former students chorused.

'Sit down you two. With what can I assist you?'

'We need you to tell us everything you know about Professor Snape.' Hermione said still trying to catch her breath.

'I know very little about him. He was a private man, never talked about himself. Why do you ask?'

'We think that he may be alive.'

The headmistress looked up at one of the portraits. It was empty, unlike the others. 'Ah yes, I already wondered why he never showed himself.'

'We need to find out where he is, for Harry.'

'Harry?' She asked surprised.  
'Yes, Snape's death has taken a toll on him. He is not himself anymore. I know we're grasping at straws but we don't know what to do anymore. Please, anything that would help us, please tell us.' Hermione's voice was full of desperation.

'Maybe I can be of assistance.' The three turned to Dumbledore's portrait. 'Hello Ms. Granger, Mr. Weasley.' He nodded his head to them.

'Professor Dumbledore!' Ron and Hermione said simultaneously.

'Severus lived in Spinner's End, where he grew up with his parents. I don't know where else he could have a house but if he really survived and disappeared, he could be anywhere though I do think he loved this place and you might be lucky. I wish you all the luck in finding him.' And with that Dumbledore walked out of his portrait.

'Thank you, professor McGonagall.' Ron said while standing up.

'I wish I could have helped you two more.'

'It's alright, now we at least have a clue. Did any other of the professors have contact with Snape?' Hermione asked, a hopeful shimmer in her eyes.

'I'm sorry, no. As I said, he was a very private man.'

'Alright, thanks again.'

'Goodbye you two and good luck.'

'Goodbye professor.'

As soon as the remaining two of the Golden Trio were outside the wards they apparated home.

'Do you think we'll find him, 'Mione? I don't know, maybe we're just getting our hopes up for nothing.'

'Don't even think that, Ron. We're doing this for Harry. If we don't find him we at least tried.'

'You're right, I'm sorry.'

She patted his shoulder lightly and said 'It's okay. Now we have to get Bill and then go straight to Spinner's End.' Ron nodded and they ran to the floo to call his brother.

 **-Grimmauld Place-**

Since Bill had visited, Harry had not once been sober. He couldn't bear the thoughts anymore, this constant nagging at the back of his mind of what if's. He was worn out, more often than not unconscious or in a state in which he couldn't form a thought. That was how he liked it, numb.

He had tried Avada Kedavra on himself because it would kill him instantly but it just rebounded and hit the wall which now had a huge crater in it. A wand didn't harm its own master.

After that failed attempt of ridding himself of the world, he had fallen even deeper which he didn't think possible at that time. He cried, drank, then fell unconscious. Then he repeated the process over and over again. He lost track of time and of reality, everything was just a blur. And finally, after days or weeks, he didn't know, he snapped. This was not a life worth living. This was not a life at all. And he would be damned if he didn't try to make things right. Suicide watch couldn't do anything if he chose a fast and effective way to do it.

He staggered to the study, took a piece of parchment and a quill and he wrote. He wrote everything down, everything he could think of, everything that could make them understand. He folded it neatly and put it in the pocket of his trousers.

Going into the bathroom he stared at his reflection. Dark circles under his eyes, a beard though not long like he would have thought it to be, a sallow face and clouded eyes. Ugly, old, broken. He washed his face, cast a shaving charm and tried to flatten his hair. He rummaged the cabinet until he found Sirius' razor blade. The good old mutt had always liked doing little things the Muggle way. _Good old fool, I'll see you soon._

With a slash it was dark.

' _Dear whoever reads this,_

 _this is my last letter. I hope I succeeded this time. I hope suicide watch doesn't find me. I strengthened the wards, I hope I did well._

 _I will see everyone I lost again, finally, after all this time. Don't miss me, I am not who I used to be._

 _To Hermione and Ron,_

 _you are my best friends, the best I could ever have asked for. We experienced so much together and I'll be forever grateful for your support and love. You never left me and I love you for that. I am sorry I put you through so much grieve and pain, don't worry, it will end now. I didn't deserve your friendship and loyalty and I don't know why you blessed me with it but you tried and that means a lot to me._

 _I wish you two all the best, I hope you have a happy life. Hopefully together. I know how you look at each other, don't waste that precious connection you have. Don't repeat my mistakes._

 _To the Weasleys,_

 _I am sorry. I am sorry you lost Fred because of me, I am sorry I was a constant intruder in your home and I am sorry I never told you all how very thankful I am for everything you have done for me. You were the family I never had and you treated me like your own. I never knew why you accepted me so unconditionally but thank you and may you have a happy life._

 _To Professor Minerva McGonagall,_

 _you were like family to me, too. I know we didn't talk much but I just wanted to thank you for everything, especially being a great and supportive Head of House._

 _To the Dursley's,_

 _I can't say I liked the lot of you, I won't lie. You treated me like shit. But I know why now. I just didn't deserve any better. You saw the true me, the pathetic me. I should have listened to you but I didn't and now after all these years I'm paying the price for thinking I was not a freak. Thank you for at least trying to beat some sense in me. That's all I have to say to you._

 _And finally to Severus Tobias Snape,_

 _I know you are dead and that this letter won't reach you where you are. But should I end up in hell, you can at least watch me write this from heaven._

 _You were everything to me, my love. I know it sounds weird but I did love you with all my heart. The friendship we built since my fifth year meant the world to me. You seemed to understand what others didn't. You listened to me rant, you held me when I cried, you gave me companionship when I needed it the most. I love everything about you, your voice, your eyes, the way you held yourself. Hell, I even love the snarky comments or sarcastic retorts. You deserved so much more in life, I wish I hadn't taken Lily from you. I wish I had been more, I wish I could have given you what you needed._

 _When I held you as you died, my heart shattered into pieces and now I can't fix it anymore. It was like I died with you that night. Nothing makes sense anymore, you were my reason, my everything and now that you're gone I can't find it in me anymore to continue. I am sorry, love._

 _Do you remember that time you kissed me? It was only once and you were drunk so you probably don't. I will never forget this. The way you made me feel, it was surreal. I loved every moment of it and I wish we could've done it more often but now you're gone and I miss you terribly._

 _I thank you for everything you gave to me._

 _I will hopefully see you soon._

 _I love you._

 _Harry James Potter, The-Boy-Who-Finally-Died'_

 **-Meanwhile at Spinner's End-**

'Professor? Professor are you in?' Hermione, Ron and Bill knocked on the door together. 'Professor, please open up!'

'Maybe he's not her, 'Mione.' said Ron.

'That can't be! He must be here! He must be!' She cried, frantically rapping at the door.

'Calm down, 'Mione. We'll just look somewhere else.'  
'But where, Ron, where? This is our only clue, if he isn't there, then Harry...'

Suddenly the door opened revealing Severus Snape. He looked tired and worn out, his skin even paler than they remembered him. He wore just a black t-shirt and black trousers, his neck covered by bandages.

'Professor Snape! Thank Merlin, you're alive!' He rolled his eyes, regretting having opened the door. He hesitated before letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding and gestured for them to come in. They sat on the table in the kitchen and Severus rang a bell. Before the others could ask however, a house elf popped in. The potions master summoned a writing block and a quill before scribbling something and handing it the elf who popped out and came back with a tray with tea and biscuits.

'You can't talk?' Hermione asked after a long silence. He shook his head in response. 'I see.'

He wrote something and handed it to her. ' _Why are you here?'_

'It's Harry, sir.' Ron said, looking a little uncomfortable in the presence of his former professor, even after Harry had told him everything he couldn't stop thinking of him as the greasy dungeon bat.

' _Harry?_ '

'Yes, well you know, we all thought you'd died and he... kind of lost it.' Hermione said, worry written across her features.

' _What do you mean?_ '

'He... well, we don't see him anymore. He stays in his home and never goes out. He drinks excessively. Professor, I know you probably have your own worries right now but he needs help, we need help.'

Before Severus could write his response, Ron started speaking again. 'Why did you leave? Why didn't you let him know that you're alive? Why? Do you even know what you did? You complete utter bastard! Do know how broken he is? Do you...'

'Ron' Hermione interrupted 'You said yourself to calm down.'

'You're right 'Mione, I'm just so angry.'

' _I thought he died in the battle. After I left I had to heal for two weeks before I could even walk. I read the prophet and it said he had left the country. I tried to send owls to him but the letters came back unopened. I wanted to see him but I thought he needed time_.'

Suddenly, a cat patronus appeared and stood infront of Hermione. 'Harry Potter is in St. Mungo's, suicide watch has gathered him. He is stable for now but still unconscious. Please come as soon as possible.' droned a voice Hermione immediately recognized, it was the head healer on the wizard hospital.

'Harry!' She apparated away in an instant. Severus looked at Ron in shock.  
'Take my arm, professor.' He did and with a twist they were gone.

 **-St. Mungo's-**

When they arrived, Hermione was not in the entrance hall anymore. Suspecting she had already gone to Harry's room, they stepped infront of the reception desk.

'Where is Harry Potter's room?' Ron almost screamed.

'Are you his emergency contact? Let me see... Hermione Granger?' The witch behind the desk asked, seemingly completely uninterested.

'Do we look like women?'

'Well I can't let anybody except the emergency contact or family in his room.'

'You can't be serious!' He now was really shouting.

'Sir, please be a little more quiet. You will disturb the patients.' While she spoke, Severus cast a silent Legilimens. As soon as he knew the location of the room, he dragged Ron away before he could say anything else.

Hermione tore her eyes away from the letter she held in her trembling hands as the door banged open and Severus and Ron entered. She didn't trust her voice and just handed Severus the letter.

It took him several minutes to read it but at the end of it he was crying. Ron and Hermione however, didn't notice due to their own shock and sadness. He stormed to Harry's bed and held his hand and begged silently for him to open his eyes but he didn't and after a few hours, the two others left, telling Severus to contact them, should Harry awaken.

The potions master had conjured a chair and sat by Harry's side, all the while holding his hand.

After what seemed to him like forever, the hand he held stirred, fingers tightened weakly around his own. As he looked at Harry expectantly, the younger opened his eyes which filled with tears and shined like polished emeralds. It took Severus' breath away and soon water flowed from deep onyx pools again.

'Sev... you're here. I finally made it.'

Severus shook his head. Harry frowned and the older man pointed at his neck.

'You can't talk? Not even here?'

He shook his head again, taking his quill and parchment out, he wrote ' _You're alive. I am alive_.'

Harry stared at him. 'That can't be... you... I saw... you're... the blood.' he choked out.

' _I survived with an anti venom and blood replenisher_. _After the potions worked I apparated home and healed_.'

'I'm glad.' Harry smiled through his tears, the first genuine smile in weeks.

Severus smiled and kissed him softly before drawing back and seeing the confused look on the younger man's face. He quickly scribbled his answer to the unasked question. ' _I love you, Harry_.'

Harry was shocked, happy and confused at the same time. 'I don't understand, my mother... you...'

' _No, I loved her but not like that.'_ He let that sank in and for a few long minutes they just stared in each others' eyes, then as if remembering something, Harry shook his head and let his gaze drop on the sheets.

'Why didn't you say anything? I-I could've- could've helped, I could've...' He stuttered anxiously but couldn't bring himself to finish his sentence over the lump in his throat.

 _'I'm sorry I left, I'm sorry I put you through this. Please forgive me._ ' It was hard enough for the proud potions master to ask for forgiveness and in the past he would have never asked so openly for it but the past was over and all that mattered now was Harry.

'But- But why?' Tears now ran down his cheeks again, soaking the sheets. Severus' heart ached, he knew he should have said something earlier, should have asked Harry's friends instead of sulking because his letters came back unopened. He should never have doubted Harry's faith and loyalty. And now the young and strong man had crumbled because of his mistakes, because of his pride and insecurity. ' _I thought you had left the country. My letters all came back, I thought maybe you didn't want to hear from me_.'

'I'm sorry, I-I should've answered, I didn't know you send me letters. I'm sorry, I thought' his voice cracked and he took a deep breath 'I-I thought you were... dead, I-' he was cut off by warm lips pressing against his own. The kiss was passionate and Severus tried desperately to convey his love for the former Gryffindor.

He slowly drew back and wrote something. ' _I love you, Harry and I will never leave you again, I promise._ '

Harry looked at him lovingly, a small small gracing his features. 'I love you, too.'

 **-2 Years Later-**

'Are you okay in there?' Harry asked, standing infront of the bathroom door.

'I look ridiculous.' Came the voice from the other side of the door.

'I'm sure you don't. Come out and let me see you.' After he didn't get an answer he begged 'Please?'

The door swung open and revealed a grumpy looking Severus (who had by now regained his voice through a long rehabilitation) in a black suit and white dress shirt, his hair was tied low on the back of his head with a black ribbon. Harry smirked.

'See, I look ridiculous, let me wear something else.' He all but pleaded.

'No way, sir. And besides, you look absolutely dashing.' He kissed his partner slowly, pressing his body against the other. 'Let's go' he whispered against the thin lips 'They are waiting for us.'

They arrived at the wedding ten minutes later after apparating into the woods near the church and walking from there. They were in a small village near Dublin on the east coast of Ireland. The church was on a small green hill, surrounded by tombstones and trees but despite it looked peaceful. Severus took his seat in the front row and Harry walked over to Ron who nervously awaited the arrival of his soon-to-be wife.

'You alright, mate? You look close to fainting.' And he did, Harry noted, mentally preparing himself to catch his friend.

'I'm a wreck, I didn't sleep all night. What if she gets cold feet and runs?'

'Here' he handed him a pepper-up potion Severus had brewed just the night before because Harry thought they would need it today and he was right. 'She won't leave you. Seriously, she's been planning this wedding for months. You should know better than anyone just how excited she is.'

'You're right, Harry. Do you have the rings?'

'Of course.' he winked.

In that moment, music resounded through the room, engulfing everyone in it as they turned their heads to the entrance through which the bride stepped, her father next to her guiding them both to the front. Luna, Hermione's maid of honour, started crying silently and also Molly and Arthur Weasley had tears in their eyes.

The rest of the ceremony went mostly without tears and incidents (though nobody had foreseen the fireworks George had let off as they sealed their marriage with a kiss).

Afterwards, they all apparated to the Burrow to celebrate. The big white party marquee had been set up and everybody danced and enjoyed themselves.

Harry looked around after having escaped Molly Weasley's prattle about how he never visited the Burrow enough anymore and other things, he hadn't really paid attention. His eyes fell on the black haired man who sat silently in the corner, nursing his glass and observing the other guests. When their eyes met, Severus gestured for him to come to him.

'Do you enjoy yourself?' Harry asked while seating himself on the other's lap.

'Now I do.' he smiled and leaned in for a kiss. 'Would you come outside with me? Catch some fresh air?'

Harry stood up and held out a hand. 'Lead the way.'

They sat on the grass, the noise of the party only a soft murmur and the night dark around them, engulfing anything else in its heavy cloak. Harry looked up and watched the stars, they always reminded him of his parents, and how he'd looked into the night sky speaking to them when he was little. He didn't notice Severus fidgeting next to him until he cleared his throat and Harry turned towards him with a calm smile. Upon seeing the nervousness on his lover's face however, his smile faltered.

'Are you okay, love? He asked, a little anxious, he had thought everything had gone well this evening, reasonably so, it had been a great day but perhaps not for Severus.

'I'm more than okay. Would you- could you stand up for a moment?'

That was weird, more than weird actually and Harry asked himself once again what was going on. As he stood up, Severus knelt infront of him and took a small black box out of his pocket.

'Harry James Potter, I love you with all my heart. I never thought it possible but you make me the happiest I have ever been. You are the one who taught me to be myself and to love unconditionally.' There was a slight pause before he asked 'Would you do me the honour of being my husband?'

Harry's eyes filled with tears and a big grin spread across his face. 'Yes! Yes, a million times yes!' He leaped into his arms and kissed him passionately. They held each other close and laughed and cried for what seemed like forever, just the two of them.

 _(Bridge)  
_

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 **A/N: The ending might seem a bit abrupt but I honestly couldn't think of a following plot so that's that.**

 **Thank you for reading and don't forget to review!**


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